.intentional.discourse.

i planted a garden the other weekend. despite living in the middle of the city, i actually have several flower gardens and even a nice sized area at the edge of my property for a 40 x 10 foot garden.  other than a small chia pet herb garden, i have never been responsible for this incredible amount of plants. 

it takes a lot of time.

rory is gorgous.  she is so sweet and funny!  she has the cutest grin. i cant stop laughing at her.  she says "dada" and thats about it.  she just started crawling.  i love all the time i get to spend with her.  what the heel did i fill my days with before.  i cant even remember what life was like before her. 

jason an i need to try to spend better time together.  i get so pissed at him for his drinking and driving.  i just cant believe he hasnt learned his lesson- that he would put our family at risk.  i fume about it, i cant let it go. and he says he knows- he knows- he'll try not to...  and then the next day comes...

he makes me out to be such a bitch about it and then insults me by arguing that i am the selfish one.  i want to choke him for saying such a thing.

i love him so much, i just want our family to stay together- for our situation to get better rather than worse.  i worry.  how can i not. 

its hard for me to let go of my anger.  i know that.  i just need this frustration to change before rory ends up picking it up.

its been almost 6 months now and i havent lost any of the baby weight.  and my feet still hurt everyday.  my mood is shitty for it.  im trying hard to keep on the up but i feel drained by the hurt.  i need to feel better for jason and rory.  i need to be more positive and less worried all the time.  its tough enough to do without depression and pain hanging over me.  im finally asking for help.

life is good. between rory, keeping upwith the house and work, i havent taken enough "me" time but im working at it.  jason has been busy too..  and tired- he falls asleep in his chair every night.  we havent taken enough time physically with each other. sometimes just falling asleep together is the most intimacy we have- but its not out of lack of want- its more because of lack of time and energy. no one is kidding when they say having kids can end your sex life.  at least slow it down quite a bit.

the job is going well.  i have enough freedom here to keep myself busy and interested and still feel like im not gone too long that i am missing out on anything with rory. rory is amazing. this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i cant get enough of her.

tried to write an update post and it was zapped into inter-space. grr.

i love my new job.  i have complete creative freedom to develop the group how i would like.  been busy with that and spending all my free time with jason and rory.  she is 10 lbs 6 ounces now!

she is starting to smile more and react to us.  its the most amazing feeling when you make her really smile. i cant get enough and end up spending hours talking to her and trying to make her smile.

there was some drama with one of my sisters bridesmaids.  who is a total addict and showed up stoned at her shower.  it was so disrespectful.  then she didnt have even half the money to split the costs of the shower.  im disgusted.  so is my sister.  she needs to kick this girl out of the wedding. i dont want anything to do with this girl.  she cant be trusted.

enough about that.

i havent been taking any time to keep up with my writing.  i know i should. this is such an amazing time filled with all kinds of emotions and growth.

rory is so beautiful and growing so much.  she is over 8lbs now im sure.  i love every day, every minute i get to spend with her and i know its only going to get better. 

i quit my job.  the same day, i had 2 interviews- one of them hired me on the spot.  its a group therapist job with teens ages 12-15.  i'll have the opportunity to develop the program from the ground up, its my baby.  best part is that i will only have to work mon-thurs.  its a bit more flexable and the agency pays 100% of me and my families health insurance.  thats huge.   the salary is a bit of a cut- but honestly-  between what i'll save in commuting costs and health insurance-  it will be about the same.   and its within a 10 minute walk of my house.  again, huge.

i went into work today to clean out my cubical.  it wasnt all that dramatic for me- i was pretty set to go.  i will miss that job and the students.  but i would miss out with rory more if i stayed.

time to spend a little quality time with my husband.

till the next few spare minutes.

things are going GREAT. Rory is growing-  she is up to 7pounds 15 ounces.  a bit colicky in the evenings when its humid- but other than that she has been doing really well.

i need some new time management skills now that i have all new responsibilities. i havent taken much time for myslef at all.  even finding it hard to fit in a shower during the day.

maybe i should be doing that right now while she sleeps...

Rory was born July 20th at 8:07 pm. She was 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long.

I was induced after my last sonogram due to having low amniotic fluid. Induction is not an easy labor. I had contractions 2 minutes apart from 7am until 8pm that day. I finally had to try an epidural and it didnt take- both times!  Agony!

The finally got it to work right when i was at 10 centimeters.  i felt NOTHING during the actual birth.  It only took me about 6 attempts at pushes to get her out.

Nothing can prepare you for the incredible joy and overwhelming instant love you are flooded with.   Nothing can compare to it.

She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me..

i have an ultrasound, a Non Stress test and an internal all this afternoon.  im really hoping to see progress, im ready to have her.  im ready to be away from work and focus my energies on family.  im ready to start a whole new part of my life.

ive been trying to wrap things up at work in preparing to be off.  here is the thing.  everyone has known for the last almost 7 months that this was going to happen. my boss has been asking the higher ups-  what is the plan..  and there has been no answer.   so my boss's answer today is ..  well-  i guess your students are on their own for scheduling.

which is just complete bullshit and will completely fuck half of them over if they start selecting the wrong classes- or register for classes they dont need. someone needs to fill this role and guide them appropriately in my absence.

part of me is pissed and wants to express my frustration to everyone about this..

and the other part of me is just tired of work issues and would rather let shit fall apart so they can see for themselves what this role really takes.

i have other things i need to be focused on.

i had my family over for a cookout sunday.  it was a beautiful day and we spent most of it outside in my yard.  i have missed this so much...  having a place that i can invite people over to.

my brother and alyson brought over a bunch of baby stuff that i needed to finish off feeling prepared.  it so rocks..  i think we are ready now.  well as ready as we can be.

i was hoping she would wait till at least my due date.  but to be honest- if she came tonite and i was off work starting now..  i'd be thrilled.

i dont have any pending signs of labor other than being huge.  8 more days to due date.

i still need to find a baby book i like.  I registered for one, but didnt get it and now its out.  lots of summer babies apparently.   i have a pregnancy journal that i havent kept up nearly enough in.  most of my entries have been the few and far between here regarding my life.  i just havent had the time or energy to get focused. 

thats it, i'll write every night until she's born.  id be upset with myself if i didnt.

Still here, just busy. looking forward to being able to get internet at home so i can write. 

still havent had the baby yet..  we are on a countdown!!  18 days until due date!

holy crap!

we have the nursery almost complete..  just need to finish and paint the closet now and its all ready to go.  the rest of the house is coming along beautifully.  it just takes so much energy that dont have right now.  jason has worked so hard- i know i keep after him with all sorts of projects..  i told him, it wont be too much more till he can dive into his own projects.  i know he has many.  still hoping we can get things settled enough to be able to have a week to relax before Rory comes.

relaxation?!?!  what the hell is that??

i would sell my soul for a lazy day.

what a huge drop in my stress level. 

really, i dont know how i survived these last few months. no wonder jason and i struggled so much.  i've gained my sense of humor back.  i feel relaxed from time to time again.  not just exhausted- but actually relaxed.

im smiling again.  my mood has improved so much that i notice how grouchy jason has become.  he is not at all a morning person and the dog makes him insane...  other than that he is typically easy going. 

had a doctors appointment yesterday.  i start non-stress tests twice a week on monday and   weekly doctors appointments.  i have to start tracking her movements too. 

i went with jason's dad to get things we need to fix up the nursery.  picked out paint-  barely pink walls with sage green trim, and we also got some wood so we could fix her closet.  we should have her nursery well on its way this weekend.

the girls at work gave me a shower gift basket today-  all the incredibly useful things they love and found invaluable with their own babies.  they did such a great job on it- i love it!

jason and i are trying out all the new kitchen tools we got for our wedding shower..  last night he fueled up the fry daddy and i got to test run our mandolin chopper.  too cool.  we'll have to bust out the ice cream maker this weekend.

we are all moved and getting settled into the new house.

i absolutley LOVE it.

HURRAH! 

and the baby shower was so awesome- the day perfect.  Rory got tons of beautiful things.  and i'm relieved.   Jason is going to be working on her room this weekend, so we should have the nursery all ready soon.

the countdown begins...

28 days until her due date.

we will be moving into the new place this weekend.  Im so excited about it.  I just hope i can maintain the energy enough to get things all cleaned and unpacked. im taking a 5 day weekend to get things done.  its going to be so nice to be able to sit down and relax IN MY OWN HOME.

i also have the baby shower this coming weekend.  its going to be a very busy weekend for everyone.

my family rocks.  they are going to help us get everything done.

things are moving along with our house.  we can close next friday and then its ours!  the final mortgage numbers have been worked out and payments will even be 150$ less than i originally expected.

so ive been busy working out our budget- to see if working part time is possible.  it might be!  YAY!!!  At least for the first year or so...  Jason's been working with the same masonry company for a year- we are both hoping for a raise-  either way the guy is has been training him in the trade..  so this will pay off in the end.  when he is finally off house arrest he can pick up side work again...

though we have to save up some money for vacation.  my parents rented a huge house in the outer banks for thanksgiving week, so that everyone can go.  i cant wait-  Rory will be 4 months and we even get to take ashley with us. 

life feels good when things finally start looking up!

work and sleep, work and sleep..  i feel like its all ive had the energy for the last few days.

yesterday on the way home some woman merged her SUV into my little car.  her fault, my pain in the ass to now deal with.  her insurance better pay because i only have liability on my cars.  its still drivable and i wasnt hurt or anything..   my other car is still in the shop-  friend of the friend of my husband is taking their good old time getting to it.  im not a huge fan of cars in general.

today has been intentionally boring at work, i just dont want to deal with anything. at all.  so im not.  other than calls to the insurance company. 

i miss my husband.  i hope we can spend some "quality" time together tonite, instead of just falling asleep after dinner.  neither of us have had a lot of energy.

its feels like the calm before the storm right now.  in house limbo- waiting for all the final details to be cleared so we can try and move up the closing date.  everything looking good so far, we will be able to move in by the end of the month.  im just anxiously trying to move that date up a bit. 

we still need to pack more stuff up and go through a ton of garbage i have stored in the attic, but both of us are exhausted by the time we get home and cant seem to come up with the energy to do it.  this weekend we'll dive in and get some things sorted. hopefully.

the baby is moving like crazy all day.  some of the most strange sensations.  ive even felt her hiccups over the weekend.  they set me up with another sonogram in 2 weeks, even though everything looks good right now.  

i feel like the only things i have going on anymore are baby planning and this house buying.  is this all i talk about?

updates in other things..  jason and i are doing great lately.  getting along, im sure due to the big stress lifted by the house plans.  im more conscious of my mood and my interactions with him.  ive been a better, less-bitchy wife lately, i hope he would agree.

i havent really  talked to my sister in ages, i dont know what is going on with her anymore.  no calls, no visits, she's just busy in her second shift life and isnt putting forth any effort to keep engaged with us.  its been this way since planning my whole wedding.  ive run out of motivation to keep trying to stay in touch with her.  im busy too damnit.  it hurts and upsets me.  mostly i wonder if she has been upset that since the time she got engaged almost 2 years ago, i also got engaged- planned a wedding and now am having a baby- all before she gets her wedding planned.  like a passive aggressive move because i became the center of attention?  its what i feel.  shes never said a word, but her non-existance in my life has been obvious.   she lives about 1 minute away, so its no excuse.  when i was stuck on bedrest and and called to ask her help, as my maid of honor, to work on invitations, i heard from her days later.  and she still didnt help.   the only thing she contributed to my wedding was pitching in some cash for the shower and her speech.  the more i think about it, the angrier i get.  jason has seen it too- so has the rest of my family.   i still hate being so disconnected from her when we use to be closer. part of my wants to talk to her about it and part of me says- worry about yourself right now.  im just wondering how much she plans on asking of me to help with this wedding..  im about ready to say, i'll help out as much as you helped me- and then ignore my phone for a week.  but this wont solve anything.

this is such an important time in both of our lives, that the lack of closeness i feel with her really bothers me.  maybe i'll write her a letter.  she never answers her phone.  i dont know. 

the thing is- there is no reason why we arent closer and talk and see each other more.   my brother lives a bit farther and well- he is busy with his new baby, his wife and him working insane hours and inlaws that absorb more time and energy than they should.  but we still talk and see each other and help each other out everytime we get the chance.  both him and his wife went out of their way to help me with wedding planning and baby advice and house advice. 

whenever life slows down enough in all the other areas- i end up dwelling on this.  not sure what to do or if im over being hurt enough to fix it. 

i need to come up with a birth plan.

i thought i was pretty sure what i would do.

however, the more you learn- the more you realize you dont know.

now im really torn as to what i want.

anyone have advice, suggestions, info?

we have a 4 day weekend and they are letting us all leave by 3:00 this afternoon.

thank god.  i need a long weekend to pack and take care of the rest of my crazy life.

Rory weighs 3.6 lbs as of the last sonogram and is doing great!  mom weighs a bit more than that.  quite a bit.   ive gained 25 lbs in 7 months.  wow.

i hope everyone has a good holiday.

we found a house. AND our first offer was already accepted.

WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!

i love the house.  its two story with three bedrooms, it has a very clean basement which has a finished game room. attached garage, beautiful hardwood floors in the living and dining room.  and it has this awesome sun porch right off the kitchen.   the yard is already landscaped with lots of flower beds and a mid yard wooden deck.  The sunporch looks out over the yard.  the kitchen is big enough-though the cabinets need updated.  There is only one driveway parking spot- but seeing how paving is a family buisness-  my dad already told me that wouldnt be a problem. there is no central air and no dishwasher in this one- two things ive lived without for so long that it doesnt even phase me.   BUT it does have laundry hook-ups and a sink in the basement and even comes with a washer.   NO MORE LAUNDRYMAT TRIPS.  im in ecstacy. total pure happiness.

too cool.  and we got this house for cheaper than our original lowball offer on the other house.  i think i even like it better.  it just went on the market so it wasnt even out there when i was looking thie first round. 

i guess all things DO happen for a reason.

the difference in my mood and energy level is huge.  so much worry is off my back.  we will have a new home all set up by the time Rory comes. 

[tremendous sigh of relief]

its helping me relax at home, im enjoying my time with jason again instead of just feeling uptight and anxious.  i soo needed this.  he got to see the outside of the house and i showed him tons of photos of the inside.  despite that he is still excited to move.

we had our second lamaze class last night.  im enjoying that time together.  i love taking classes and learning no matter what it is, and jason enjoys being a class clown and provoking the other dads to follow suit.    the instructor turns out the lights to teach some relaxation techniques and he tries making out with me and copping a feel.  gotta love him.

the company that owns the house we bid on took 5 weeks to give us an answer-  threw out late disclosures that there are termite & asbestos siding issues and that the property would be sold as is.  and then they denied our offer- saying "your close- but we cant negotiate with you what we would accept.."

this was a huge source of emotional breakdown that i had again over the weekend.  we walked away from the house-  i'll never deal with that company again.  no one should.

so now, i still have a bad taste in my mouth on the whole  house buying- but i absolutley have to move on the looking.

i found a couple properties that im going to take a look at on sunday.  jason cant even go with me though, which just sucks ass.

had another sonogram this morning and Rory yawned the whole time!  im excited and terrified to have her at the same time.  i have to feel more settled.  we need a house!  now the clock is ticking away- beacsue we wasted over a month waiting to hear from that damn company.

im holding.... holding....  stress is a constant fuel. 

i can do anything at this point.

jason and i did absolutley nothing all weekend.  it was completely refreshing emotionally to not give a shit about a thing.

i went home to him that friday, he knew i was pushed to the edge.  he held me while i cried, told me not to hold back.   and then we just veged out the rest of the weekend.  eating and watching movies. just being together.

he keeps telling me ive lost my sense of humor.  im sure that is partly true, but only because life has caught up and gotton too serious on me.  i try.  but emotionally, im on edge a lot. it hard for me to let my guard down even at home sometimes.  too many stressors, pregnancy hormones, and lack of alcohol is all leading to my dysfunctioning stress barrier.   i use to be able to let things roll off my back so much easier.  lately i've been taking everything personal, including jason's constant humor.  he is still so damn easy going.  he still has a positive attitude.  its one of the reasons i love him so much, but i suppose right now- its grating on my last nerve.  i just feel as if im worring about everything while he worries about nothing- and i know that isnt really whats going on.  

im still waiting to hear about the house.  its killing me not knowing and being able to plan to move.  an answer any day..  any day...  any day but today....  ugh.

im thankful that its our overly busy time at work here the next couple weeks.  i can just dive in and ignore everyone around me.  which i need to do right now.  my boss keeps trying to engage me in pointless work related convo which i'm flatly ignoring.  short answers.  short "duh" answers.  i just pick up the phone or start typing when he walks to my cubical.  and i keep working while he is talking.. giving the umm hmm.  he's only trying to engage cause he knows im pissed.  im only ignoring cause its irrelavant. 

im not the gossipy type at work, i dont even share that much personal shit at work. i keep to myself most of the time and if someone opens up to me first - then maybe i share. 

i use to think i wasnt a passive aggressive-type person.  maybe this is bringing it out of me since my threshold for all other coping mechanisms is out the window.

i need to learn how to unwind again. 

did you ever just want to cry your eyes out, but your stuck at work and cant get away other than to the bathroom - where you just returned from a 15 minute crying escape? 

everything is getting to me today.  ive been thinking a lot about Donny.  the shock of seeing him and the surrealness of  the funeral home monday night is laying heavy on my mind. memories of him flood me and distract me from what im doing. 

jason has noticed my mood.  he asks me why i havent been able to smile all week.  i know that its a combination of everything going on this week.   jason's house arrest starting and the stress of him trying to figure out rides everyday.  the fact that this is not only a huge inconvienence to us- but its adding all this extra responsibility to me to take care of all the everyday things- just a point where i really wish someone could take care of me.  he will be on house arrest through the birth of our baby and for a couple weeks following.  im trying to not let this frustrate me to the point that im taking it out on him-   but its really fucking hard to not get this overwhelmed feeling.  i dont hold my frustration in well at home.  it comes spilling out without much forethought on my part.  i fell like im just angry all the time.  he's not good at expressing his feelings- so i see no remorse on his part- even though im sure he feels bad.  its like its not enough.  i didnt realize that i am such an angry person i guess.

and did i mention that we are broke. bills, new house, fines. broke as a big fat fucking joke.

i got a call on tuesday that my glucose test came back elevated so they sent me in right away to do a 3 hour glucose test for gestational diabetes.  that was Wednesday morning.  i still havent heard results back. can i have any more issues?? i had a doctor appointment yesterday afternoon and there was a screw up in them telling me the location so i had to reschedule to today. a new receptionist made a mistake.  she is terribly sorry.  my supervisor is on me about my hours of work- that when i take the bus i get here late, sometimes by 15 minutes- and now its pushing 20minutes because i cant walk the 6 blocks here fast anymore. i live over an hour from work, farther than anyone.  i cant drive everyday because the cost of gas and parking so i need to rely on the bus for a majority of days.   no one seems to give a shit that i have worked through my hour lunch since i started planning this wedding.  so now its an issue and he had me meet with him and human resourses this morning about it.  it was just the last threads of my emotional well being.  i dont bitch about what my co-workers do.  the fact that they take lunch at the busiest times the office is open, that one leaves every day 20 minutes early because its convienent for them.  i dont point out that most of their day is spent on personal phone calls.  but i get dragged in to HR. 

...breathe..

so instead i sit there ready to burst into tears.  cause i cant take on even one more thing right now. 

i was supposed to go in this afternoon to make up my appointment, but i just called and cancelled it.  i  dont need to throw any more fuel on the fire.  i dont even want to tell my supervisor that they rescheduled me for tuesday morning now. 

i just want this day over.  i just want to go home and be alone for a while and cry my eyes out.  i might not make it to 5:00 though.

i need a vacation from my life right now. 

im feeling a bit out of sorts.  im not quite sure what i feel.  i found out this past weekend that a childhood friend of mine, a guy i knew and played with from probably age 3 took his own life this weekend.

Don was a year or so older than me, he had a little brother who was close with my little brother.  i grew up a tomboy and spent most of my childhood playing with him and other kids in the neighborhood.  we were close then.  the summer after 5th grade, our friendship took a turn and grew into a childhood crush.  we were boyfriend and girlfriend for a short summer.  both clueless and shy and suddenly too embarrassed by this new status to spend much time together.  it was the innocence of leaving childhood.  our adolescence took us down different paths, different friends, but we still always held onto that friendship and history we had.  i always looked at him like an older brother.  he was probably the closest person in my youth to have that role. 

my family and i went to the funeral home last night.  it was a strange scene.  seeing friends of mine and my brother in this circumstance.  happy to see each other yet with the backdrop of suicide. we spoke to don's father-  who was more in shock and giving us the details...  i think he must have felt like he needed to explain it- over and over to be able to believe it.  Don's wife, who was a girl i was friendly with back in high school, has served him divorse papers the night before.  they had been separated and Don was trying anything to get her back.  he couldnt get her out of his head.   she had been having an affair and left him. 

he hung himself in his house. his younger brother found him.  Nick broke up several times while we were there.

Don's dad said that only an hour after he was removed from the home, she was there and ransacked it.  took over 600,000$ in cash and things from the home.

she showed up to the viewing with her boyfriend.

i saw her when i first walked in, before i knew all this.  i didnt catch her eye, so i didnt say hello- just walked in.

im glad i didnt.  i think if she had still been there after i heard this i may have knocked her flat on her ass.

Don was only 35.  he had a very successful construction buisness.  he has a 9 year old daughter to his first wife. his first wife also went to our school.  looking at the pictures of him and his daughter together were heartbreaking. 

looking at all the pictures of him was heartbreaking

looking at the pictures and finding myself in a childhood photo of him was heartbreaking.

seeing him there.  young, handsome.  layed out in a casket.  it just doesnt make sense.

nothing is making much sense today.

i dont fit into my maternity jeans any more.

i am so friggen uncomfortable here at work that I might go postal.

found out that we wont hear anything on the house until after May 9th.  Corporate pain in the ass is what this is.

the good news is that if there are no other offers on it, there is a good chance they will just accept ours as is.

keeping my fingers crossed. 

this weekend is my niece's first birthday!  hurrah!